Body Image and Aging with Ella Lucas-Averett

Trevor:             Hi there. I’m Dr. Trevor Cates. Welcome to The Spa Doctor Podcast. Today we’re talking about body image issues as we age and how to shift our mindset. My guest is Ela, who is a speaker, a personal development coach, and the host of On Air With Ela, a podcast about living better right now. She is an entrepreneur, a businesswoman who’s founded three successful businesses.

Trevor:             She’s also a mom, a wife and a triathlete. She works with people who want to dial up any area of their life by helping them take action right from where they are. On today’s podcast, we cover where body image issues come from, and tips to help shut the negativity down and shift our perception, as well as our reality. Please enjoy this interview.

Trevor:             Ela, it’s so great to have you on my podcast. Welcome.

Ela:                   Trevor, it’s my pleasure, and I just want to thank everybody for giving us this space for a moment. I hope to be of some value to you guys.

Trevor:             Absolutely. Today we’re talking about body image, because I know this is something that I think we all … I don’t think anybody’s immune to this. There’s always something about our body that we’re not happy about, and then especially as we get older and we see the changes happening with our body at different decades. It can be really frustrating at times.

Trevor:             This is the conversation I want us to have today, how do we deal with this, and how do we spin this in a way that makes graceful aging enjoyable?

Ela:                   That’s easy. I hear you loud and clear. I’ll be honest with you, I think this is a gender-neutral topic. I think men and woman both struggle with this, particularly Trevor, as you said, when it comes to aging. It happens. It’s inevitable. We talk about things like aging gracefully, and aging with compassion and grace for ourselves, and yet, so much easier said than done.

Ela:                   I think it’s useful for us to acknowledge the reality of the struggle. I’ll be honest with you, before I was in my 40s and I hear people say, “Well, things get harder.” And this isn’t about a number, by the way, let me go ahead and insert that truth here. This isn’t about a number, it is about an inevitable progression. We’re all on the train, we’re just in different cars on the train.

Ela:                   So no matter where you are on that train called life, and I I I’m sometimes surprised to see I’m in the 40s car. I sometimes feel lik, “How did that happen?” But where ever you are, you’re progressing and things are changing. Some of the things that I struggle with is, as I said, when I was in a different car and I was in my 20s or 30s, I thought when people said, “Well, it gets harder as you get older.” I thought that was weak. I thought it was fiction. I thought it was an excuse.

Ela:                   And here I am on the other side of it going, “Oh, that’s a real thing.” It gets a little bit harder and it requires a different skill set, if you will. And I would argue it requires an evolved mindset to adapt and to grow and to stay young at heart and to feel good about where we are no matter what body we’re showing up in. So I’m really keen to talk to you about it.

Trevor:             Good. All right. So what are some of those things that we can do, like the shifts in mindset, I think that that is a big part of us.

Ela:                   You know what? It might be useful to share the struggle, like you know what? Let’s just talk about reality for just a minute, let’s tell the truth about this because your audience is so evolved and they’re so … they know that there’s more to life than what pair of jeans we’re showing up in. We know that, right? But can we just acknowledge for a minute that our body image affects so much of how do we show up in this world?

Ela:                   And how we show up in this world has so much to do with what we do in this world. I know I’m talking to somebody who has stayed at home because they felt to bloated, or didn’t go to the thing because they felt that they wouldn’t measure up because they’d be surrounded by people who looked better than they did, or who honestly have created patterns like that and trends like that in their life where they’ve honestly shut down different pockets in their life because they just haven’t felt up to par.

Ela:                   I think it’s important to call that out into the light a little bit. And another thing that I’d like to really make sure we all acknowledge is that it almost doesn’t matter where you are, that compare will create despair. I’m not the first person to say it. Comparison creates despair. I’ll be honest with you Trevor, I don’t know about you, I can be on top of my game and all I have to do is see like a Victoria’s Secret commercial, and I’m like, “Oh, I’m slumpy, I’m short, I’m this, I’m that.”

Ela:                   All I have to do is find something that’s considered here and all of a sudden I feel that I’m here. And it doesn’t matter what mindset I was bringing into that game, there are so many different situations. I was being a little facetious about the Victoria’s Secret commercial, but honestly, I don’t care if it’s an image for media, I don’t care if it’s an image of your friend on Facebook, I don’t care if it’s someone you’ve seen and you realize that they lost three pounds and you’ve gained them, that compare and despair trap, that’s a real thing.

Ela:                   And it warrants naming because we can’t win if we’re spending our time in that cycle. So I think it’s really useful to point out. Does that make sense?

Trevor:             It does make sense. And I definitely respect the idea that we’re all in different places in life and we’re different ages. And then also, what we’re noticing about our bodies, what’s coming up for us about our image is all different at different points. I think some people think when they hit 30, they’re old. Then then they’re like, “Oh my gosh, I’ve got to deal with anti-aging stuff.” And those of us in our 40s are laughing at that and going, “Oh my gosh, 30 is so young.”

Trevor:             You and I are in our 40s, and there are probably people in their 60s watching this going, “These women have no idea.” So I think everybody is an indifferent place, but we all struggle with it, whatever it is. Even as Victoria’s Secret models.

Ela:                   Exactly. And we will talk about how relative this is, because it’s honestly hilarious when you start breaking it apart. and it loses some of its dominion over you when you realize how relative it is. My favorite, favorite thing that I do to myself is when I compare myself, I love this, when I compare myself to somebody else, we talked about that, but what about when I compare myself to historical me or even better like ideal me?

Ela:                   So I’ll tell you what I mean by that; have you ever looked at a picture of yourself, or someone that’s listening today, have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and been like, “Oh my gosh, if I’d only known then. I was a navy and I didn’t appreciate it.” And you’re comparing yourself to old you, meaning historical, retroactive you and that’s the ideal in your head that you need to get back to.

Ela:                   Well I’ve got news for you, you’re in a different season. That’s not the season that you’re in now. But I will still personally, like club myself and self flagellate with visions of old me. But my absolute favorite one that we do Trevor is when we compare ourselves to ideal me. And I talk to women and men all the time who are self flagellating, beating themselves up, because they’re comparing themselves to, “The me I should be.”

Ela:                   “And I would be that way if only.” Or, “If I made time, or if I stopped eating that, then I have this potential.” And so they’re constantly comparing themselves and berating themselves because they don’t measure up to a me that doesn’t exist. So that is like setting the landscape in which I want to just share in the problem so we can bust it up and talk a little bit about, “Okay, what are we going to do about it?”

Trevor:             Absolutely.

Ela:                   So solutions. So what do we do about it? What do we do about it? Well, I tell you, this is from lived experience when I share some of this with you, and I think it would be useful to share some shifts and mindsets that are useful and necessary, but then let’s get down to some brass tacks and talk about practical tips, things we can actually employ when we need them, if that sounds good to you.

Ela:                   How about mindset? Shall we start there? You have raised a couple of the big ones already. And one of the first ones is, the power of seasons. You’ve heard me use that word already. This was such an aha for me, particularly when it comes to aging, Trevor. We paint our lives, like sometimes we get in the situation where we paint our whole lives with the brush we’re holding today, and then we don’t allow for the fact that our lives do this, like they don’t do this. Like we can’t set …

Ela:                   The internet would sell you the belief that like once you land on the proper motivation or on the proper answer for you, like that’s it, you’ve arrived, you get to stay steady for the rest of your life. And I’m just going to call … I’m going to flag that play, and just want to acknowledge that women and men, we go through seasons, and sometimes those seasons look like new motherhood. Sometimes those seasons look like taking care of aging parents.

Ela:                   Sometimes those seasons are intense periods of productivity in work. Sometimes those seasons are illness. You get the idea. Creativity, productivity. So when we acknowledge that maybe we’re in a body that’s not exactly what we would want, not ideal me. If we could just acknowledge, take a breath and be conscious of the fact that this is a season, it just freezes up to allow ourselves to understand that there will be another season.

Ela:                   Like have you ever had periods where it is all work and no play, my friend?

Trevor:             Mm-hmm (affirmative). Absolutely. Yeah.

Ela:                   I mean, exercise and nutrition, like they don’t get to be priority one, two or even three, they might be like priority 1112 during the season? I think that that allows us to give ourselves a grace, but I also think it has the happy virtue of being true. I like to take that mentality and shift into … Two and three are super, super similar. Those are the power of language and the power of intention. And I’ll tell you what I mean by that.

Ela:                   When I understand the power of understanding seasons, and then I understand the power of language and the power of intention, I can do things like say, “Oh, this is a period of high demand in my work life. I recognize that fitness or nutrition or honestly like paying attention to what dress size I’m wearing is not my priority right now. I am powerful. I am strong, I am confident. I will get back to me.” I am employing language that works and helps me create an environment that supports the reality that I want to feel.

Ela:                   I am setting an intention. Let me tell you what by that. I was so much rather someone say, “You know what? Not going in the gym, the gym is not happening. There will be no gyming in my life for the next three weeks. It’s not happening.” I would so much rather them to say that to themselves then say, “I should do that. If I had my act together, I would do that. I should be doing this three days a week. Why can’t I do it? I don’t know I can’t do it. I always do this to myself.”

Ela:                   Do you hear the difference in the power between those two scenarios?

Trevor:             Absolutely. Absolutely. And it takes up so much energy to beat yourself up. Taking that time to beat yourself up is going to be taking away the time that you can be productive.

Ela:                   Well, and we just drain ourselves emotionally, Trevor, and we create stories about ourselves that aren’t true. We create stories of self sabotage. We create stories of how, “Oh. I never or, I always.” And the truth is, like, what if we just owned the season that we were in? What if we just owned what our priorities were? Or what if we said, “Wow, the reward of not doing what I need to do is actually feeling better to me than the consequences of not doing them.”

Ela:                   Like when you get honest about your own latency or your priorities, it tends to clear away a lot of the noise that we create. I just believe enormously in accountability and awareness. I think that without awareness and accountability, we’re sleepwalking, and so, when we are able to use the power of language and intention, we can tell ourselves the truth and it becomes less of a club to beat ourselves with.

Ela:                   So I know it’s a lot, but it’s incredibly powerful to start looking at yourself as the author of your own life, rather than feel like you’re bobbing along on a really chaotic ocean.

Trevor:             I love this idea. One of the questions that pops into my mind is how long does this season last? And I know that there’s not really an answer to that, but I also, I wonder sometimes, like how long do you give yourself before then it becomes, starts to just become an excuse that you’re self sabotaging your ability to stay healthy or to do things that you need to get back on track with?

Ela:                   So brilliant and such a question grounded in reality. Such a question grounded in reality. There’s lots of ways to skin that cat. The first thing I would say is, that is why awareness and accountability are utterly critical because without them, you can lie yourself, Trevor, for a really long time. You know what I mean? So a couple of things, a season is going to last as long as circumstances are creating that seasons or as long as you are going to allow it to last.

Ela:                   So let’s talk about those things. If I had a brand new baby, which it’s been a while, but it’s just something everybody can feel, what that would be like. If I have a brand new baby and I’m on Instagram, scrolling through and I’m looking at all these people who are back to their pre-baby weight four minutes after they’ve had a baby, I’m going to be all up in compare and despair for like a long time.

Ela:                   So I’m going to shut that down and I’m going to say to myself, “I literally just created a human being with my body, I’m going to maybe not buy what Instagram is trying to sell to me, and I’m going to give myself a break here, this is a season.” Or again with work for me, because I’m a business owner and I operate in several arenas and I might be thoroughly engaged in one of those arenas for three weeks, maybe it’s just three weeks, it’s not a new baby.

Ela:                   But it’s three weeks of utter intensity, travel, 18 hour days, and like not great food, and I’m freebasing caffeine. What I used to do, Trevor, and some people, if they’ve been kind of on a binge deprivation or diet cycle, if they get on that roller coaster, they’ll resonate with this maybe. What I used to do is just operate in extremes. So I’d be like, “Deprivation or discipline,” that’s my favorite. “Hyper discipline lots of deprivation.”

Ela:                   Oddly, when I operated in that extreme, I would almost always let the pendulum swing back to the other pole, if you will, and I would then operate in, “I’ve already messed up. I might as we’ll trash myself. Let’s eat all the things because I’ve already fallen off the wagon,” Or, “I didn’t get to work out for three weeks so forget that.” And there’s this downward spiral because I’m operating in the extremes.

Ela:                   So the first way to crack that nut to get back to your question is to identify first, like to tell yourself the truth. “I’m I in a circumstantial season that I actually don’t have an enormous amount of influence over the circumstances? We always have, always have impact on how we deal with those circumstances. But I’m saying, Are circumstances playing a pretty big role here or am I creating a story around my circumstances and saying, “I’m a mother of three who has a job, therefore I cannot spend time taking care of myself at all.”

Ela:                   Because that’s a story. How do it’s a story? Because I can find you two dozen examples in 20 minutes of people who have the same circumstances that you do, but understand that it’s important to take care of themselves in some capacity. Taking care of oneself can mean different things to different people. My point is that when you are aware and conscious and telling yourself the truth, then you’ll ask yourself those questions and determine your answer.

Ela:                   I think it’s so important to start with that level of awareness and accountability because otherwise, we can create seasons and then get super stuck in them for a really long time. One of the things that I would recommend, and this is point number four when it comes to our mindset, is no matter what season you’re in, Trevor, and whether you’re stuck or unstuck or you’re feeling hemmed in or you’re feeling empowered, it doesn’t matter where you are, the power of staying in your body no matter the season is incredibly important.

Ela:                   And it ties back into body image, and I’ll explain why. I have been up and I have been down, I have been heavier and I have been leaner, I have been fit and I have been less fit. And every season, what I’ve learned is that when you do not just dissociate from your body, because what do we do when we feel like we’re in a slump? So often we disassociate from the neck down. “This part of me has got to show up in the world, I can’t get away with walking out with a hood over my head. However, I can wear the baggiest clothes, or I can not take care of myself, or I do not need to exercise because I did not even need to see that body, or I can’t go to the gym because somebody else might see this.” So on and so on and so on.

Ela:                   And I want to be really clear, this is not about our jeans size. This is about what’s going on up here. This is really important. I don’t care what size body you’re in right now. This is universal. Not that we don’t feel like we’re on point, we don’t feel comfortable in our own skin. Very often, we disassociate. The power of staying your body is physical and mental. And it’s a couple of things. It’s getting up in the morning and spending three to five minutes. Yes, three to five minutes, just stretching or rolling.

Ela:                   Like if you want to take your muscles, stretching or calling it yoga if you want to, but it doesn’t have to be yoga, it can just be stretching. Walking the dog, walking yourself, doing four push ups. I don’t care what it is, if we spent just a few minutes a day getting into our body, it’s so much harder to disassociate from that same body when our head game starts getting in the way. That’s particularly useful for people who have not moved in a nourishing way in a really long time, and it’s very accessible. You start telling me you don’t have three minutes, we need to have a different chat.

Trevor:             You are right. We got three minutes.

Ela:                   You got three minutes, I promise you that. And that’s not a fitness tip. A lot of people, when they’ve sort of fallen off the rails, and they have in fact disassociated themselves, and they don’t feel sexy, and they don’t feel comfortable in their own clothes, and they don’t feel worthy, and they feel like none of those things are due to them until they’re 40 pounds lighter, those are the ones that I just want to say, walk that body, go walk that body. Spend a few minutes moving that body.

Ela:                   Stop thinking of exercise and spend a few minutes connecting with that gift that you have that is called a body, and stop acting as though it’s not there are not worthy of your attention. I’m not asking you to love it. That is not something I can sell to anyone. I’m just asking you to acknowledge it and not to cut it off. Does that make sense?

Trevor:             That does make sense. Absolutely. I think it’s really important. I definitely notice of myself that if I’m not physically moving my body every day, and I know what’s healthy for me, I know what I need to do, and I know that’s not the same for everybody. But I have to really get my heart rate going every day, and if I don’t, then I feel emotional or sad or all these different things I’m noticing. Because I’ll go, if something happens and I’m maybe at a conference or I’m visiting family or something and I’m out of my typical pattern and I go a day without exercising, and the next time I go, “What is going on? Why am I in this form?”

Trevor:             And then I just remember, “Oh, that’s right. I didn’t move. I didn’t really get in my body.” And it’s so important for me. I definitely notice that.

Ela:                   And you know what we do sometimes? Is when we get ourselves into that state, then we start treating ourselves differently. Now, that’s interesting because we already feel like a little bit low and then we … Picture this, let me paint this picture for you. If you’re a man, picture yourself in your finest suit, with the perfect shave and you smell amazing. Like you’re carrying yourself very differently.

Ela:                   For a woman, picture yourself … And I’m using really sort of material and shallow examples, just to paint a visual picture, they’re accessible. For me, I know I feel very different when my hair is fluffed and I have a little bit of lip gloss on, and I’m wearing clothes that fit me. And God help me, I might even put on a heel. I don’t know. I don’t if I want to go that far. And that person treats herself very differently than the person who’s just like, “Oh, it’s been three days, I feel disgusting, everything I’m wearing is elastic.”

Ela:                   There’s not a zipper or a button to be found. Everything stretchy in some way or another. And I’ll tell you what, please, please, please, don’t take me literally. I’m trying to like create a story here to make the point. But the first version of me, the one that’s like standing tall and feels confident and feels sexy, she eats differently than the new one that’s in nothing but stretchy, but she eats differently, she acts differently, she carries herself differently. And she projects a totally different energy. You know what I’m saying?

Trevor:             Mm-hmm (affirmative) Yeah. Absolutely.

Ela:                   Believe me, I’m in the yoga clothes all the days. This is formal wear for me, because I respect you and your audience, but I do not mean you have to have lipstick on to feel confident. I am trying to create an illustration where we recognize and we can buy into the idea that when we feel a certain way, we act a certain way. And when we treat ourselves well, we behave well to ourselves and it’s self fulfilling itself. And the unfortunately, the inverse is also true.

Trevor:             Absolutely. Even just body posture can impact us, and that we know that, the Superman pose even for a woman is going to help elevate our testosterone levels, which gives us drive and motivation. So absolutely, what we do with our body and how we show up and present ourselves, it has a huge impact on how we feel and how motivated we are.

Ela:                   And the energy that you put out into the world tends to be the energy you get back from the world. I don’t know if people have had this experience. You walk into the grocery store … Let’s use just a really common example. You walk into the grocery store feeling like something that just got scraped off of a shoe, and you sort of get a different energy from people, you can be wearing the same yoga clothes … When you stand tall and your shoulders or over your hips and your chin is out, and you can take a deep breath and walk into a room, no matter whether it’s a grocery store or a boardroom, you are projecting a different energy and you’ll receive a different energy in kind.

Ela:                   That’s why this is so much more than body image, Trevor, is so much to do with how we show up in the world. So you are exactly right. I think that when it comes to these mindset shifts, I think that the only other two things I would throw on the table, would be recognizing the power of your environment, and recognizing the power perspective. Let’s talk about environment for just a minute, because I think it’s incredibly important. You touched on something earlier when you talked about how relative this is, and how you can easily put yourself in an environment that actually makes you feel less worthy, or an environment that maybe is extremely stressful all the time, and it doesn’t allow you to ever take a step back.

Ela:                   I don’t have any neat and packed answers for everyone on this, I can’t like wrap this up in a nice bow and deliver it to you and say, “Well, that problem is solved.” I think it would be shortchanging everyone if we didn’t acknowledge that, if we’re truly looking for growth, we need to create an environment that supports how we want to feel. Create an environment that supports how you want to feel. What does that mean? It means cleaning up your social interactions. If you’re surrounded by women who are denigrating their own bodies or more commonly, those of other people, that’s an environment that is toxic and poisoning your well, especially if you’re participatory in it.

Ela:                   If you’re surrounded by people who are self denigrating all the time, I don’t mean you should break up with all of your friends. I mean that there’s room for growth here, and there’s room for plugging it and saying, “You know what, I’m trying to think, where I don’t just spew self-hatred about myself or pinch myself, or tell myself how shabby I’m looking right now. And I think it’d be cool if we challenge ourselves not to do that.” You can do it with your social media feed. Trevor, I went through my Instagram and unfollowed every page that didn’t make me feel good looking at it. Do you know what I’m saying?

Trevor:             Mm-hmm (affirmative). Especially, there’s a pop up, where you go right on your Instagram and then whatever the recent one is, it just pops right up. That’s not something that you want to be bringing into your environment. I see that. Yeah.

Ela:                   In lots of ways, but again, allow me to use a really shallow example. I told you, apparently I’m quite impressionable because I can be feeling just fine, and then I open my Instagram and I see miss 2% body fat in her fitness competition bikini, and all of sudden, I have like this head game that I’ve got to manage. And it’s like, “Do I need that?” Like I’m super pleased for you that you can bounce a quarter off any part of your anatomy, but I don’t need to feed myself that.

Ela:                   And it’s not because that person is bad or wrong, or doing something bad, it means that I’m the author of my reality, why don’t I put stuff in this inspirational to me instead of, again, that motivation by shame, kind of thing. Everybody is different. I’m not suggesting that mine is yours, I am just suggesting that for all of us, we can look at how things make us feel. There are reality TV shows, and this is particular to body image, but actually, if you pay attention to how you feel when you’re watching them or after you’ve watched them, you might actually be like, “Ha, that might not be feeding the dimension in me that I want to be feeding right now.”

Ela:                   So, I just think it’s important to put up a pin in that and how important creating an environment that supports the way we want to feel is.

Trevor:             Can I ask you a personal question?

Ela:                   Yeah.

Trevor:             For me, I notice that a lot of the friends that I hang out with in Park City, and actually even elsewhere like professionally, conferences, and things like that, a lot of us are single women. And I realized, maybe it would be beneficial for me to hang out, if I want to be in a really evolving relationship with someone and a happy relationship, maybe I should be hanging out with more people that actually have that. I don’t know, is that kind of the thing that you’re talking about?

Ela:                   [inaudible 00:29:27] first one. Somebody listening to this will hear us to literally. It’ll be like, “Oh, so I’m supposed to break up with all my single friends?” Let’s get this on the table, we are not being … life is not black and white. Anyone who has lived longer than 15 years maybe, is going to understand that life is not black and white. Let’s talk about the truth in what you just said. You’ve heard in podcast land and all the places, all of us who are involved in like the self growth and personal development journey, we have heard a million times, that we are the five people we surround ourselves with most. Or maybe you’ve heard a rising tide lifts all boats.

Ela:                   The point of both of those sayings is that we elevate ourselves to where the bar is set in our environment. And so what I would say is, rather than an either/or, “I should spend time here,” or, “I should spend time here.” And I’m not implying that you’re suggesting that that it’s that black and white at all, but rather than approach this as an either/or, I would reframe it slightly and say, “Here’s an area of my life I’m seeking to develop.” Intimacy and intimate relationships and actually seem highly functional relationships between couples.

Ela:                   Like, “That’s a muscle I want to develop a little bit more. That’s an insight I want to feed. That’s a dimensional of me that needs some nourishment right now and I need to see some more of this.” And so, the answer from me would be a resounding, hell yes. Like, I need to immerse myself in an environment where people are living a mutually respectful, super sexy relationship because they exist.

Trevor:             Yeah. I saw one here. I know. I know.

Ela:                   [inaudible 00:31:21] my girlfriends, and we’re talking about how men suck, or unreliable, Or are useful were only a few things. Honestly, it’s a narrative that we start kind of buying into a little bit. It happens in every environment, on every issue. It can happen at work. If I’m sitting with a team of people and I’m working with them for a year, I’m going to start having group think, I’m going to start viewing the business the way they view the business. So this is not personal, this is not because we’re also impressionable, it’s how human beings are wired.

Ela:                   When I want more of something, I throw myself into those arenas, whether I’m qualified to be there or not, whether I’m covered hair to feet or not. Does that makes sense?

Trevor:             Yeah. And I love that. I think it is so important because, like I noticed, when I moved to Park City, it is such a fit city. Everybody is active here. A town I should call it. I’ve even heard that this county is the fittest county in the nation. I’m not sure if that’s totally true or not, but I thought I was in pretty good shape when I moved here, but then I realized that, I wasn’t compared to everybody else. In my new continue, the environment that I put myself into when I moved here was raising the bar.

Trevor:             So then I’m like, “Okay, well, I need to get busy, and get out there.” And it was motivational for me. And I was ready for that. I think also you have to be ready for that. Sometimes if you put yourself in a situation too soon, maybe not be motivational, but I think when you’re ready for it, it could be a really uplifting thing. And to see other people and how they do it, and you know it’s possible.

Ela:                   I am so inspired by what you’re saying and for a couple of reasons. The first one is that, a lot of people don’t do that because they just use those circumstances to denigrate themselves. You could have had the experience that you had had, moving to Park City, and you could’ve been like, “Oh my gosh, I don’t measure up. Oh my gosh, I’m not worthy.” Now, you wouldn’t use that language, but that’s the root of it. You would use slightly different language, slightly less melodramatic, but that’s what it would be. But you had a growth mindset when you arrived there and you were like, “New place new me, refresh me, reinvigorated me,” it sounds like.

Ela:                   And so, you brought every bit of, “Yeah. Let me elevate my game to that.” I would submit to you that that mindset shift is available to absolutely every single one of us. A couple of examples. There’s a sort of a joke, if you will, that if you’re trying to lose five pounds, go hang out with the five fittest people you can stand to be around. And invariably, you will find that you’re somehow just a little bit fitter because of it. Again, I’m using really like physical and shallow examples here, but let me give you a different example.

Ela:                   I started the sport of triathlon, I never considered myself an athlete after … I mean, I was a gymnast about a million years ago, and then in high school, an absolute do nothing, and in college, I did stuff, but I was not athletic in the slightest. And I don’t think at 24 I could have run a mile if somebody had been like holding a weapon on me. I just couldn’t do it. And now, I’m a competitive triathlete and at 44. And why is that? And by competitive, I mean in my own mind. I like to finish on the podium and a lot of times I do, and a lot of times I don’t. So let’s be honest about that.

Ela:                   But what I mean is, I take it seriously, and I am an athlete. And notice, I’m using the power of language, and I’m using the power of intention. And the reason this was able to happen, was because somebody threw a challenge out there to me and I was like, “Sure, I’ll do it.” And I threw myself in with these different populations who were very good at something, that is like the various sports that comprise triathlons, that is, swimming, biking or running. And they were all great at it. And who was I? You should have seen how I dressed to go on my first bike ride. I looked like I was going to Disney world in 1982 and I was like a 65 year old man. I looked ridiculous, I had like a fanny pack on. I don’t even want to talk about it.

Ela:                   I was willing to throw myself in not care what I looked like, not tell myself a story of unworthiness. I was just like, “Teach me your ways.” And I went into each of those sports with that totally open, like no shame, no embarrassment, just teach me your ways. And I was able to start learning under people who were doing things infinitely, better than I was, and my game was elevated. You can plug in anything, any area of your life, your financial life. Are you hanging around with people who will spend every dime they don’t have, on a credit card all day long, and tell you like how they haven’t paid their bill in three months, or how they’re on their third card, or how like the trunk is full of shoes, that they don’t want their mate to see?

Ela:                   Is that where you’re spending your time, because that will affect the narrative you create about your own money story. I can go on.

Trevor:             Environment is so key, and I that is definitely something that I noticed in my own life that is really important. And like you said too, I think that you have to be ready for that ship, but when you are, I think looking at how you can up your game. Either, if you’re in a place, and we’re going back to body image. If you’re in a place where you’re just trying to be comfortable with where you are right now, being around and being in an environment where there are people similar to you, is probably a supportive thing.

Trevor:             It’s like having a support group of some sort, like everybody understands where you are at the moment. If you want to change something, then looking to, “How can I shift my environment to be more motivated.” Or, “Maybe the environment I’m in is not healthy and it’s holding me back.” It really depends on where people are, right?

Ela:                   Yeah. And I think that when you look at creating an environment that supports how you want to feel and you are trying to be intentional about that, I think it can even for some people, just be about setting boundaries. A couple of examples that I would give you would be, do you have a relation, do you have a mom, a lot of times, do you have someone in your life that is speaking negative self talk about themselves about maybe other people or about you without realizing that they are?

Ela:                   I was speaking with a woman and she said, “Yeah. When I was 15, my mom said to me, “oh … ” it’s like she saw her in shorts and they were just in a store and her mom just had a moment where she observed her daughter sort of, which was kind of out of the blue. She said, “Oh, I see you have my mother size.” And the mom, probably never thought about that comment again, Trevor. Never, ever, ever. And didn’t mean to harm her daughter in the making of that comment. But if you don’t think that’s … The daughter clung to that, for a very long time. Not willfully, but that’s what we do.

Ela:                   Perhaps, you have people who are speaking into your life, who are crossing boundaries with you, or creating an environment that you don’t want to feel. And that’s what you have to set some boundaries. I have people in my life that I say, “You know what, what I’m going to do is, I’m going to ask you to not keep talking negatively about yourself, or if I compliment you, if you could just say thank you instead of telling me why it’s not true or stop kind of bashing yourself in front of me.

Ela:                   I understand that there is something that your man did, I don’t want to hear it, because it affects me. It hurts me and I’m going to actually have to put a boundary there.” And I’m really like that literal. I’m like, “I’m putting the boundary here, you are not allowed to keep talking about how bad you are. No, no. I don’t have ears for that anymore.”

Trevor:             Right. Absolutely. Boundaries are huge. That’s definitely important thing to set up.

Ela:                   Not easy all the time, but absolutely-

Trevor:             Especially with family.

Ela:                   It’s part of being a grown up though. It’s just part of being a grown up. It’s having this tough conversation. And honestly, once you lay a … Well, we could talk all day and I will not, but once you lay a boundary, the hard part’s over, you just have to be consistent. You don’t have to keep fighting, you just have to be consistent. Like, “No, sorry, boundary.” And just showing up. Okay. All right. Those, with a few tangents, are honestly like the mindset shifts, Trevor, that have really, really helped me see the way that I look or the way that I feel in a physical sense.

Ela:                   And see them very, very differently than I did when I was going through periods of like trying to use shame as a strategy, and kind of hack my body or stay away from things, because I didn’t feel like I was worthy. And so much of my identity was tied up in my physical appearance, and so if I, God help me, I wasn’t at my A game, than I can’t … I have nothing to say, I am not worthy. Like all of that stuff had to be unraveled for me, and I think it does hurt a lot of people.

Trevor:             Yeah. Well, and I think, this has been a great conversation to open this up. And of course, we can keep talking about this and go on and on. Mindset is a huge conversation to have as well as body image. Show people where they can learn more about you, where they can learn more about the mindset, motivation, and body image, things that you share with people.

Ela:                   Absolutely. Absolutely, Trevor. And first of all, you can find me everywhere, under On Air With Ela. There’s only one … That’s easy, I won’t bore you with that. I love to meet people where they are, Trevor, and just identify what story are we telling ourselves and is it possible that it’s not a 100% true. Is it possible that we can tell ourselves a different story. Those are my favorite things to talk about, and I could talk, as you can see, till I’m blue in the face about them, but at the end of the day, the message that I just would love to leave you with is, at the end of the day, we were designed for so many extraordinary things, and we were created to do amazing things.

Ela:                   And this person’s amazing thing is going to look very different than this person’s amazing thing, is relative to where you have been put. But at the end of the day, when we spend most of our lives playing small because we feel like we don’t measure up, that’s the thing I want to raise your attention to and burst for you. You are absolutely good enough, right where you are, right in this moment, to start asking yourself questions, start challenging the status quo and taking a good hard look at whether you are playing small because you’re afraid to show up in this world, or whether you maybe possibly have a little bit more to offer.

Ela:                   And the moment we let our dress size get in the way of that, I’m going to call No.

Trevor:             Yeah. Absolutely. Ela, It’s been great chatting with you. I love the conversation that we’ve had, it got a little personal there. I love that too. And I think it’s great for people to … It’s great for us to have these conversations, to make people bring us back to this, what are we telling ourselves? What is this story that we’re trying to tell ourselves and can we shift that? Thank you again for coming on today. I appreciate your interview.

Ela:                   Thank you Trevor, and thanks everyone. I’ve enjoyed it so much.

Trevor:             I hope you enjoy this interview today with Ela, and it gave you some information and tools to help shift your mindset and any issues you might have around body image, or aging, or aging process. To learn more about Ela, you can go to thespadoctor.com, go to the podcast page with her interview, and you’ll find all the information and links there.

Trevor:             And while you’re there, I invite you to join our Spa Doctor community, and you can also subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, so you don’t miss any of our upcoming shows. If you haven’t done so already, I highly recommend you go to theskinquiz.com to get a customized skin evaluation. Find out what information your skin is trying to tell you about your health. Just go to theskinquiz.com.

Trevor:             Also, I invite you to join me on social media, on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and join the conversation there. And I’ll see you next time on this Spa Doctor Podcast.