Keys for a Passionate Relationship with Susan Bratton

Trevor:                    Hi, there. Welcome to the Spa Doctor podcast. On today’s show, we’re talking about keys for a passionate relationship and the female orgasm. Passionate, loving relationships are a part of a healthy life, and help us have that healthy glow, and this is in part fueled in the bedroom. So I wanted to invite the perfect guest to talk about this intimate topic. My guest today is Susan Bratton. She is considered the Dear Abby of hot sex to fans around the world, and her fresh approach to bedroom communication skills helps millions of people of all ages across the gender spectrum transform sex into passion.

Susan’s straightforward advice is rooted in her personal experience of watching her marital intimacy wither as she and her husband pursued these dynamic careers. When the relationship hit a crisis point, Susan made a big commitment to do whatever it took to hold her family together and revive the passion in her marriage.

Today, she and her husband have the kind of dream relationship most people stop believing was even possible, until, of course, they discover her practical tips. After 15 years and over 30,000 hours of research, practice, teaching and testing, Susan distilled the six simple, essentials that ignite passionate lovemaking into her number one international bestselling book, Sexual Soulmates. A serial entrepreneur, who has been named a Silicon Valley Woman of Influence, an ad age top 10 internet pioneer, Susan and her company, Personalized Media, have been featured in the New York Times and appeared on the Today Show, ABC, CBS, CNBC, CW, Fox, and NBC.

In today’s interview, we talk about the different types of female organism, and how to improve your intimacy and passion with your partner. This interview is intended for adult viewers and listeners only. We do discuss human anatomy and sexual function. My intention is to open up the dialogue so that passion is not a secret. This is something to embrace for better health and relationships, so please enjoy this interview.

Susan, it’s so great to have you on my podcast today.

Susan:                      Well, you’re a bit of a brave soul, Trevor, inviting me to talk about female orgasm, so thank you so much for doing that, because it really is a service to women to be in conversation about our orgasmic potential.

Trevor:                    I so agree with that. I know it is interesting that a lot of people shy away from this topic. They don’t want to talk. But having a healthy sex life is so important to our health. It helps us with our glowing skin, too, but the satisfaction we have in life, the hormones that are released during orgasm, all these things really contribute to health, and for people who are missing out on this or could do even more to improve it, I think it’s a disservice for me not to be talking about this, and you’re the perfect person to talk about this, because you certainly do a lot of talk about this.

Susan:                      Yes. I do. Well, when I was moving toward being in service to people around their sexuality, I could have gone in many directions. There are many marriage and family therapists and sexual therapists, and they help people with problems, and what I wanted to do was be on the other side of that spectrum of sexuality. I wanted to be in the opportunity side. I wanted to be the person that spent a lot of time doing what I call closing, bridging the orgasm gap, helping men and women achieve more pleasure and connection by understanding bedroom communication skills, and I’ve got some to share, as well as orgasm techniques, and conscious heart connected lovemaking techniques.

So I’m kind of a techniques guru. I collect lots of things that help people have more pleasure and connection, and on this conversation that we have today, I’m going to just give as many ideas as I can, and as you’re watching us, don’t feel like you have to do them all, but know that in your heart, there will be something that calls to you, that says, “Oh, that’s something I’d like to try,” or, “Oh, I never thought about it that way.” A reframe, even a simple reframe of a mindset can open you to more pleasure and connection.

So I just wanted to start with a few things like that, and I also wanted to start out with the masculine versus feminine conversation, and just say I always like to start my conversations about sexuality with the discussion that I’m in support of everybody, no matter whether they’re sexual, nonsexual, asexual, where they are on the gender spectrum, what their gender fluidity is. I really embrace all people in my conversations. So if I say him, her, things like that, just know that those are more like suggested polarities than absolutes.

Trevor:                    That’s perfect. Thank you for clarifying that. Yes. It’s very great clarification. I think it’s great that we’re talking about the female orgasm. That’s mostly what we’re focusing on today, but this is great for men to listen and watch, too, because, hey, it’s all part of the experience, right?

So let’s start with the physical structure, physiology. Let’s talk about the clitoral structure.

Susan:                      Okay. Most women think about their clitoris, which is typically the most sensitive sexual area on any person. It’s the go to place for the easiest pleasure.

Most people think about their clitoris as that little nub of an eraser in their vulva, and if you go online now and you type in 3D clitoral structure or 3D clitoris, you’ll actually see videos of what the whole clitoris looks like spinning in video. The clitoris, your clitoris is an amazing thing. That little tip is just the tip of the iceberg. It actually is the head or the glans, and it actually splits into two little legs. Those are called the crura, and it has these little punching bags that hang down. Those are called the vestibular bulbs, and all of that whole thing is erectile tissue. You, also, have a urethral sponge and a perineal sponge that bracket your vaginal canal, and those are erectile tissue.

What’s so great is, that if you think about a man, he’s not going to have very good sex if he doesn’t have an erection. When his penis is flacid, it feels good to touch, but it feels way more pleasurable for him when it’s erect.

So women, I think, because we’re not aware that we have all this buried erectile tissue that loves to be engorged, or filled with blood, or [tumessed 00:07:27]. These are all words for it. If you know that you’ve got all that stuff and you can start working on touching it and stimulating it by going up inside the vagina, as well as around the clitoris, the clitoral hood. The spots down the side of your vulva, which are where your pubic hair is. Your mons is at the top, and then there’s your vulva. That’s where the bulbs are, underneath there. Those are the little punching bags that love to get puffed up.

Trying to have sex without your clitoral and erectile tissue engorged, means you’re leaving a lot of pleasure on the table. You’re leaving a lot of orgasmic potential on the table, and so I think just understanding that you’ve got all that in there is a very important point.

Trevor:                    Yeah. That’s great. I mean I think that it’s so true. We just think that it’s this one little part that sticks out, and there is so much more to it, and understanding … As a physician, I really love to study anatomy and physiology, and I’m really fascinated by this, and I’m not sure if everybody feels the same way I do. But I think in order to really understand how it all works, it’s good to know what the structure is, so that’s great.

So the benefits of engorgement are going to help with pleasure and increasing your ability to orgasm, correct?

Susan:                      Yes. So if you think about, okay, if I’m going to have sex, if I want to achieve an orgasm or multiple orgasms from clitoral stimulation, which is just one way you can, then the best thing to do is do a lot of sensual massage. Enroll your partner or massage yourself, so that you’re massaging the whole clitoral area. Now especially your clitoris itself, the little tip of it. Homologous to the penis, that’s the tip of the penis as well. We start out the same person, and then we get bathed in hormones that turn us into a boy or a girl in gestation, and so we all start out with the same equipment, and it morphs based on the hormonal bath that we get.

Your clitoris will actually get an erection. Don’t even worry for now about all the tissue buried inside. Even if you just think about engorging the clitoral tip, and there’s a shaft. It’s on a little stalk, and you can actually, with nice organic avocado oil, organic coconut oil, things you’d literally put in a salad and eat, that’s about all I’d recommend for your genitals, because you don’t want to put any lubes that have chemicals in them. Who am I talking to, Trevor? I mean you’re all about natural ingredients, right? And nothing that you wouldn’t put on your face, you shouldn’t put on your vulva.

Getting your clit to actually get an erection … Your clitoris will actually pop out with an erection, and that stalk is like a little mini hard on, and that is a really great thing to start with, and then massaging your vestibular bulbs, and feeling up inside your vaginal canal, the roof, the base. Doing the whole clock, rock around the clock, three, six, nine and 12. All of those things expand that tissue and help you achieve orgasms and multiple orgasms.

Trevor:                    Okay, great. Now you were talking about using fingers. There are lots of toys out there. How do you feel about devices, and toys, and gadgets, and gizmos?

Susan:                      I think everything is excellent and has its place, and different women respond to different kinds of things. What I would say is that generally if the only way that you can achieve orgasm is through a vibrator, you’re going to over stimulate your clitoris, and then it’s going to require a lot of intensity of vibe to get you to have an orgasm.

I’d recommend that you start at the opposite end of the spectrum. You can actually have an orgasm from the very lightest of touch. Because I publish programs that teach orgasm skills, online programs, audios, videos, eBooks, one of the programs we have is a program called Expand Her Orgasm Tonight, and that teaches a clitoral stroking technique that is so delicate.

You know how when you get an eyelash on your eye, and you use that little soft pad of your finger to get it out of your eyeballs? Do you know that level of touch that I’m talking about? It’s very light.

That’s the touch that this technique uses, and if you stroke up slightly under the hood of your clitoris, most women like just off the left side. Some women like just off the right side of the clitoral hood. If that was 12 o’clock, maybe at 10 or two, you’d find a little spot underneath there, right on the glans that likes a very, very light consistent stroke.

When you’re able, as a woman … If you have a partner, it’s really great, because you can completely surrender to the stroke, and relax into the stroke, and then what that allows you to do is just receive and really be with the sensation that’s getting delivered. You can do it to yourself, but it’s never as good. It’s kind of like scratching your own back. It’s just not as good as when somebody’s scratches your back for you, or tickles your arm for you, right? It’s just good to get it done to you.

So if you have the ability and have a partner who can stroke like that, stroking that lightly actually allows you to circumvent clitoral fatigue. Vibrators often give you clitoral fatigue. You’re one and done. You might have one fast, big orgasm, but it’s not what your body is capable of having. It’s not the level of pleasure that is available to you, and instead of trying to make the orgasm happen, if you allow the orgasm to happen through this very light and consistent stroke, you can actually go into an expanded orgasm state, and then stay in that state. An expanded orgasm is … I’ve got some slides for you. I wish I had brought them. I can post them. I can give you a link to post with the video, if that’s possible.

Essentially there is the orgasm. You go up, and then you have a climax, and then you’re done. That’s one way you can orgasm. But that’s kind of like leaving a lot of fun on the table. Then there’s the multiple orgasms. I had one. I had another one. I had another one. They might be bigger, and then you’re done. So they go whoop, whoop, whoop, like that. That’s multiple orgasms. That’s how we think about things.

I think we’re caught in the paradigm of the masculine orgasm, because men think about their orgasm as they climax, they ejaculate, and they’re complete. But women, although we do ejaculate and every woman can ejaculate, we can just keep staying in orgasm. We can be in an orgasmic wave that just keeps getting better and better, and an expanded orgasm is one where you actually learn how to open and relax, take a very slow, easy, light stroke that expands the energy throughout your whole body, and instead of having a climax where you’re done, you’re actually staying in that climax, and it’s growing, and it’s expanding in dimension for you. That’s the kind of orgasm that often people associate with tantric lovemaking, or spiritual sex, or sacred sex, because it’s an almost meditative quality of pleasure.

Trevor:                    Interesting. There are all these different types of orgasms, and most people, the majority of people just think about the one, like you’re saying, because it’s so obvious for a man to orgasm, and so then people just assume that the female orgasm is going to be the same. But it sounds like it’s really different.

Susan:                      There are so many kinds of orgasms. You can have clitoral orgasms. You can have orgasms from penetration, so penis in vagina. They call it PIV sex these days. Intercourse is what we called it in the old times. You can have orgasms through anal sex, because you’ve got a perineal sponge, and there’s a lot of rich and enervated tissue in the anus, and for some women, that’s their best orgasm. For other women, their best orgasm is vaginal. For other women, their orgasm is clitoral. There’s breast-gasms from the erectile tissue in your nipples and breasts. There are oral orgasms. So Deep Throat was actually true. You can have orgasms from going down on a man. You can have orgasms from kissing. You can have orgasms from getting a foot rub. You can have orgasms from a sensual massage. You can have female ejaculatory orgasms, which sometimes are called squirting orgasms, because liquid, fluid comes out, which is a prostatic fluid that all women have and all women are capable of having these ejaculatory orgasms, and it’s not pee. A lot of women think, “Oh, gosh, it’s pee. I’m peeing,” and you’re not.

So those are just some of the kinds of orgasms. There are people who are polymorphously sensual. They can have orgasms from many different kinds of sensation. So there’s a big smorgasbord, a smorgasmbord board available to everyone.

Trevor:                    Wow. That makes me wonder what is the definition of an orgasm?

Susan:                      Yeah. Well, I’m sure there are the Masters and Johnson version. There’s the plateau, and the climax, and the peak. But, again, I look at that, and I think that’s an old 50s style masculine ejaculatory orgasm, so I don’t even think that.

So I think the orgasm is an intense amount of pleasure in a compact amount of time that can be stretched and expanded, and can be generated through many types of sensation. There are, also, mental orgasms. There are think offs and things like that. You can be hypnotized to have orgasms. You can be talked verbally through orgasms.

The one thing that you know about people is that although we’re all human beings and we’re all the same animal, we’re all the same species on this planet, we have a wide variety of things that turn us on, and so what your orgasm is like and how you have it is wildly different than everyone else in the room, but equally as valuable, and important, and matters.

Trevor:                    Yes. Okay. Thank you for clarifying that, and I was kind of curious of what your definition was of orgasm. Yeah. I’m sure it’s different than the typical maybe medical …

Susan:                      Because there are so many kinds of orgasms. What’s an orgasm? Which kind? Which one?

Trevor:                    Okay. So you talk about your sensation map and how to expand that. What is that?

Susan:                      Right now, it is likely that you have a certain go to kind of orgasm, if you orgasm, and I do want to get into, and we are going to get into more I know about bridging the orgasm gap. The orgasm gap is the fact that 90% or more of, and I’m not even being generous, men can have an orgasm from intercourse, where maybe part of the time, half the women can have an orgasm from intercourse. So women are at a huge deficit in their ability to orgasm from intercourse. Yet what men want most, our partners want most is frequency of intercourse. That’s what the testosterone driven male wants. He wants to be inside us a lot. What we want as women is satisfying sex. We want satisfaction. We want orgasmic pleasure and emotional connection, and so that’s because we’re estrogen dominant.

There are tricks, let’s just call them tricks to bridge that gap, to close that gap so that you’re both being satisfied through penetration equally, and you both look forward to it, so that over time, you’re not less likely to want to be with your partner. You’re more likely to want to be with your partner. You’re on what I call the upward pleasure spiral. Sex keeps getting better for you, instead of worse for you. Those are the techniques that I love, those tricks that make sex better, and better and better, instead of worse, and worse, and worse.

So the sensation map, expanding your sensation map basically means that if you’re lucky enough to be one of those women who has an orgasm or is even multi-orgasmic, you probably get there through one path, and there’s some people who have lots of ways to have orgasm, and that’s what I’m really talking about is expanding your ability. It’s like cross training at the gym. Sometimes you do squats. Sometimes you do lunges. Sometimes you do pushups. Sometimes you do planks. They all get you in shape.

That’s the same thing for your own physiology. You actually can grow your neural networks to feel more pleasure from a wider variety and kind of sensation that gives you different orgasms. So orgasms are a learned skill. You can learn how to have clitoral orgasms. You can learn how to have female ejaculatory orgasms, and breast-gasms, and oral-gasms. You can have any kind of orgasms that you’d like to have. It’s just a matter of practicing, putting your attention on feeling the pleasure, having the communication skills to adjust the delivery of the pleasure with your partner, and practice makes perfect.

I’d like to talk about … I have a free gift for you, and I’d like to give it to you right now, because it really goes with what I just said about expanding your pleasure map. You can expand your own pleasure map as a woman with your solo sex practice, and that is awesome, and it keeps you in good health, and it keeps your genitals engorged, which prevents atrophy. You don’t want your genitals to atrophy. You don’t want the skin to become flacid. You want to keep it rich and full of blood, and turgid, so that it’s energized and has vitality. So solo practice is fantastic.

You can do it with a partner, and when you’re with a partner, one of the things that holds women back from their own pleasure is not that they don’t know what … That they’re afraid to ask for it. Women are often okay asking for what they want. They just don’t know what they want.

That’s where some of the difficulty comes in. It’s kind of like art. I don’t know what I like, but I know it when I see it, and the thing about women is we’re different every day, because we are hormonal animals. We ebb and we flow. Where men, they’re more steady state. So they need to know what we need today, because it was different than yesterday.

I think it’s my top selling book at this point, is Sexual Soulmates, The Six Essentials for Connected Sex, and in it is a technique called the sexual soulmate pact, because I believe that sexual soulmates are created. They’re co-created. There might be some nice chemistry in the beginning, but that doesn’t last. You got to create your soulmatery together, and when you use the sexual soulmate pact, it’s a verbal communication agreement for the bedroom that allows him not to have his ego hurt, and you to be able to say what you need, and for him to just say, “Thank you,” after you’ve given him some feedback, so that you get acknowledged and reassured that your feedback is appreciated, so that he understands that the more feedback you give him, the better lover he is, because he is wired to want to give you incredible pleasure.

So you are doing him a favor by creating this pact, where you’re going to tell him, “I don’t like that. It hurts too much. That’s kind of scratchy. Move up. It doesn’t feel good at all. Let’s stop and do something else,” or, “I want it harder. I want it softer. I want it faster,” whatever it is, you’ll know at least if something’s not right. You’ll know if there’s a little something more you want, and if you can tell your partner without any like, “I know. I know what I’m doing,” it gets rid of all that, and he gets hungry for the feedback. He gets a taste of feedback and the power of it in a really kind agreement way, and, all of a sudden, he just becomes such a better lover, because he’s finally getting the data that he needs to do the job that he’s put on this earth to do, which is to pleasure the goddess.

The sexual soulmate pact is my gift. It’s an excerpt from my book. It’s one of the chapters. Should I give the URL right now? It’s at PersonalLifeMedia.com, that’s my website, and I’ve got tons of stuff on there, like thousands of articles on everything I’ve talked about and more. So it’s at PersonalLifeMedia.com/sexual-soulmate-pact, P-A-C-T. It is your pleasure pact.

Go ahead and grab that with my compliments and try that out. Try that soulmate pact agreement out. I think it will take your ability to expand your pleasure map to a whole new level, because you’ll have an agreement with your partner that it’s safe to push the edges and explore, and open up those new neural networks to pleasure.

Trevor:                    I love that. Thank you, and we’ll have that link up on the website, too, on my website under your podcast interview. But I think that’s really an important point, because it can be somewhat tough to talk about this, and creating that safe place for it and opening up that dialogue, I think that’s a great thing, because you don’t want him to feel threatened or like he’s done something wrong, but, at the same time, you want each other. This is a relationship. This is part of a relationship, right, is the communication with each other, and it should be a safe place to explore and have fun.

Susan:                      And if you don’t have the words for what you want, this is a way that you can begin to at least have some communication instead of silence.

The reason that couples end up in the therapist’s office is that they either fight, which is the minority. The majority is that they’ve cheated, one or two of the partners have had infidelity, and they’ve gone elsewhere to get the satisfaction that they crave, because they haven’t been able to have communication skills for the bedroom. This sexual soulmate pact is literally the antidote for infidelity for the large majority of couples. So it’s a very important skill to learn, and it’s learnable.

Trevor:                    I think that’s such a great point. I know you socially. I’ve seen you and your husband, Tim, and you guys are so cute together, so sweet together, and it’s obvious how much you love each other, and I’ve looked to other people, looked for those relationships that have that really cool connection, and my parents kind of have that, too. It’s funny, because I’ve asked both of you I think what are the big keys, and sex is a big part of that, and having great sex, having good communication, those are really keys to keeping a relationship going, right?

Susan:                      Yes.

Trevor:                    So anything that we can do to help improve that I’m a big fan for. So let’s talk about setting up the lover space.

Susan:                      Yeah. So one of the things when you’re trying to bridge the orgasm gap, when you’re trying to get the pleasure you deserve as a human being on this planet in this lifetime, the pleasure that is your God given gift as a woman. There are three big things for women that are the most important, according to experts and research. A lot of what I’ve learned I’ve learned from a wonderful book. I’m just going to look on my shelf right now to remind myself of it, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagosky. She really studied a lot of research on sexuality, on women’s sexuality, and it helped me piece together a lot of things that I had noticed over the last more than a decade that I’ve been helping people have hot sex.

I always knew about engorgement, but there was something that she really put into place for me that drove things home. We talked about engorgement as being one of the biggest factors to having more sexual pleasure and orgasm. The second is the idea of context, how important it is that we feel emotionally connected, that we feel safe, that we’re not worried about unwanted pregnancy, that we’re not worried about STIs, that we’re worried that we’re with a good partner who is going to take care of us, not hurt us. All of those kinds of emotional or mental context pieces need to be in place, or you will not have an orgasm.

I was talking to a woman last night at a party and she said, “I really, really love this guy. He could be the one, but I don’t know what it is. I just haven’t been able to have an orgasm with him, and I’m worried about it,” and I said, “I would worry, because he needs to feel like he can give you that orgasm, or he’s not going to want to stay with you.” I’ve literally been kicked out of bed by a guy when I was in my twenties. I was naked. I just had sex with him, and he said, “Get your clothes and get out of here. I’m not going to see you again. You’re no good in bed.”

I realized that there were a lot of people who break up with people because they don’t feel that chemistry, and what’s really going on for women is the context isn’t right. There’s something wrong. We don’t feel safe. We can’t surrender. We can’t let go. Or our guy doesn’t know how to stimulate us well, which part of that is the soulmate pact, sexual soulmate pact is teaching him what you need, because we are all wildly different. Some women really hard. Some people like it super light, and women, we go back and forth.

So the lovers space is part of this concept of context, and it’s really setting up an environment for lovemaking that makes you feel very comfortable. For example, I’ll give you some specifics. An orange light bulb in your bedroom or candlelight make you look very pretty. They literally camouflage cellulite. I don’t know what it is. It’s frigging magic, but orange light. Just take the bulb out of your bedroom light. Screw in an orange 15 watt CFL party light from Amazon.com for $7, and instantly you look like a goddess. So that’s lighting.

What’s the temperature? Are you too hot? Are you too cold? Do you need a blanket? Guys get hotter than you do. How do you keep yourself warm while you’re making love?

Another one is music. Is the music nice? Do you have enough water? Is your lube a quality lube? Is the bed protected? You’re not going to get anything on it? You don’t want to have to hold back from allowing yourself the pleasure of letting ago. So do you have on lingerie that makes you feel beautiful, if that’s what you want? Is he scratchy? Send him back and have him shave that little thing that’s getting itchy. Is there a springy thing poking out in his pubic hair? Does he need to wax that stuff? Are their fingernails dirty? Send him back three times and train him to clean himself up, because women say the number one thing that they require for men is cleanliness for sex. Number two is emotional connection or presence, that’s presence in the moment. Not trying to do me, but actually being with me.

So your lover space, take a minute to figure out how to set the space so that it’s conducive to you surrendering to your pleasure, and that’s a really good way to bridge that gap. You might never have been aware that things just aren’t good enough for you, so you can’t let go. You deserve to have the best pleasure possible in the best situation that supports your pleasure.

Trevor:                    Yeah. That’s great. Okay. Perfect. You were telling me about using fantasy to fuel your pleasure. This is a big thing for people, right? What do you think … Because actually I feel like sometimes it’s a bit much. There was all of the porn, and all the different things out there. It can be a bit much. So how do you use fantasy without going overboard, but just the right amount?

Susan:                      Yes. So some people are more visual. Some people are more auditory, and some people are more kinesthetic. There are certain point for whom, and you might not be one of them, they love to hear sexy talk while they’re making love. It turns them on more, and literally afterward, they can’t even remember what you said. They just know it was incredibly exciting.

So people who are auditory in their theta state … Your theta state is your brainwave state of lovemaking, meditation, deep relaxation. That’s why it’s very important to be relaxed before you try to be aroused. If you try to get aroused when you’re stressed, it’s really hard. But being relaxed allows you to get aroused.

So fantasy is not right for some people, but it’s great for others. Fantasy can be great when you’re masturbating. Fantasy can be great when you’re having … If you’ve been with a partner for a long time, you can share stories. Oh, right now we are in a French chateau, and we’re in a big four poster bed, and it’s 1774, you know, whatever. You can co-create stories with your partner that turn you on more. It’s just a really good way to bring play in, as well as … I don’t like the word dirty talk, but I do like the idea of sexy talk, and by sexy talk, what I really mean is verbal appreciation during lovemaking.

So because men are typically more visual, they’d like to see you naked. You’d like to hear them tell you how sexy you are, and so letting a guy know that what you want is a lot of verbal appreciation, “Your body looks so beautiful. I see your vulva. It looks so pretty. I love the way you’ve trimmed your pubic hair. Oh, I see your clitoris. It’s just starting to peek out. Your lady is getting like rosy lipped and getting a little bit darker. I can see the engorgement happening. Oh, look, your little clit just popped out.” For some women, that could be the sexy talk they need, because it’s the proof of their arousal given to them verbally.

So because everyone is so different, I don’t know what’s right for you, but I do know that something is, and it’s yours to discover how you can use fantasy or sexy talk to talk things further in the bedroom for yourself and expand your pleasure map, because all of this is just opening you to more pleasure.

Trevor:                    Yeah, absolutely. I mean certainly people … It seems to be a very individual thing of what people like, but I love that. Are you auditory? Are you visual? Are you kinesthetic? Those kind of things certainly apply in the bedroom.

Susan:                      They do.

Trevor:                    But, like I said, I feel like sometimes the whole porn thing is getting to be a bit much with all the online porn. Any thoughts or comments on that?

Susan:                      Yes. Porn is I don’t know how big a business, like eight hundred million. It’s giant, and I’ve heard that up to 25% of viewers now are women, and it breaks my heart, because Time Magazine within the last year quoted a piece of research that said that they did a random sample of pornography, and 96% of it was degrading to women.

Porn is primarily there because men have a need for frequent ejaculation. They can’t have as much intercourse as is required for them to move their semen through and keep it topped off. They’re biologically programmed to need to ejaculate, so that they’re ready when a woman is ready and fertile, and so they need to keep that moving, and they use pornography to masturbate to have ejaculatory orgasms.

We look at that and we’re all like, “That’s so disgusting,” and for us, it is, because we’re women, and we don’t really need to do that. Now, there are women who are very sexual, and they need a lot of orgasms and a lot of sex all the time. There are lots of women like that. There are women on the other end of the spectrum who never want sex. There’s about 3% of the population that’s just completely asexual. So, again, it’s a range.

But here’s the thing. The thing that’s I think the worst about it is that it’s not going to go away. It’s only going to get bigger and worse, more, and young kids are watching it, and they think that’s what sex is, and we have a whole culture of young men, who through all of the toxic food they eat, and our food supply, and all the toxins and chemicals, and all the masturbating to porn, they literally can’t even get an erection around a woman, and the only thing they know how to do is the stuff they saw on pornography, and so it’s depressing.

The only antidote to it is for you to know that everything that you need to have a fulfilling sex life is inside you. You don’t need to watch porn to get ideas. You can just say what turns you on, and what turns you on today may not be what turns you on next week or the week after. This is where fantasy comes into play. What’s turning me on right now? What’s getting me excited? What do I kind of get juiced up about right now?

Because we’re always maturing throughout our lives, our sexuality is always maturing and our sexual tastes and desires are maturing and changing, and so if you just listen to your heart, listen to your vulva, she knows, she knows what you want. The more you can tap into her and just let her tell you what turns you on, and the more you can share with your partner what those things are that you’d like.

A perfect example of the number one thing women ask me is how do I get my man to take control in the bedroom? They don’t feel like if they leave it up to him, he’s going to be able to ravish her, and turn her on, and give her orgasms, that he doesn’t have enough skill. So I am a big believer in learning about sex techniques, because that’s what I’ve devoted my business and my life to, is teaching people sex techniques. For example, I have a video collection called the Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection that shows over 200 heart connected, conscious lovemaking techniques. It’s for couples to watch together. It’s for singles to watch, so they can be prepared when they find the one and they want to have that incredibly romantic,, emotionally connected, slow, sensual, sacred, erotic kind of lovemaking.

You have to say if someone’s doing something that feels porny to you, to say, “It doesn’t feel authentic to me. It feels like you’re doing rather than being. Let’s go back to just being. Let’s look in each other’s eyes again and just connect about why we’re here together.” A part of us as women have to say, “No. That’s not what I want,” and maybe you don’t know what you want, but you can vaguely define it.

The only solution there is, is to educate yourself, learn techniques yourself, be open to trying new things, consider that your sexuality is a practice, and that you’re always getting better at it, and doing these kinds of things we’ve been talking about, engorgement, vulva massage, setting the lover space, using fantasy. These are all kinds of things that you can now that you know them bring into play to kind of move away from that canned porn negative stuff that’s a turnoff. Hey, but sometimes there are things you want to do, like naughty things. You want to get dressed up like a dominatrix, and spank your boyfriend, or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with playing and having fun, too. So I don’t want to dissuade you from that, because just make stuff up and do it and try it out.

There is no failure. There’s only the feedback that that worked or didn’t work, or I like this part of it. I didn’t like this. Next time, let’s do this. I like that one thing, and come up with ideas.

Trevor:                    Okay. That’s great. I so love it. Susan, this has been so much fun. Tell everybody your website, how they can find you, and is there any last parting words that you want to share?

Susan:                      Okay. You can go to PersonalLifeMedia.com/sexual-soulmate-pact, P-A-C-T, pact, and you can get that free eBook. My website is PersonalLifeMedia.com, and if you ever have any questions, feel free … I mean my tag line is trusted hot sex adviser to millions, and that’s because I’ve spent over a decade answering people’s questions by email, doing videos, doing everything. I’ve got a YouTube channel. It’s Better Lover, and really it’s just about sex advice and great ideas, and if you like the kinds of things that I’ve told you today, I’ve got more. I’m here for you. There’s no question too dumb, and I’m always happy to answer more, or point you to an article, or what have you.

So feel free to reach out to me. It is my pleasure to support you and your pleasure.

Trevor:                    Thank you, Susan. Thanks so much for your information. What better person? You’re just so open and friendly. It’s a tough conversation for a lot of people, so it’s nice that you can be so open, and relaxed, and friendly about it. I appreciate your information today. Thank you.

Susan:                      Thank you so much.

Trevor:                    I hope you enjoyed this interview today with Susan. To learn more about Susan, get the free gift that she mentioned and get the link to her website. Just go to the SpaDr.com. Go to the podcast page with her interview, and you’ll find all the information and links there.

While you’re there, I invite you to joint the Spa Doctor community, and you could, also, subscribe to the podcast on iTunes so you don’t miss any upcoming shows, and if you haven’t done so already, you can get a free skin assessment by going to TheSkinQuiz.com. It’s a free online quiz I put together to help you figure out what messages your skin is trying to tell you about your health, what your skin type is, what your root causes are, so you can finally address these underlying causes. You just go to TheSkinQuiz.com. I, also, invite you to join me on social media, on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube, and join the conversation, and I’ll see you next time on the Spa Doctor podcast.