Rekindle Your Romantic Life with Susan Bratton

Rekindle Your Romantic Life

Dr. Cates: Welcome to The Spa Dr. Podcast. I’m Dr. Trevor Cates. On today’s episode of The Spa Dr. Podcast. We’re discussing ways to rekindle your romantic life or maybe just get it started. My guest is Intimacy Wellness Expert, Susan Bratton. She is a champion and advocate for all those who desire intimacy and passion their whole life long. Bestselling author and publisher of love making techniques and bedroom communication skills including Sexual Soulmates, Relationship Magic, Revive Her Drive, The Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection, and Hormone Balancing. These are a small collection of her 34 books and programs. Susan has been on The Spa Dr. Podcast before and is back on just in time for Valentine’s day to help us with romance and passion. In this interview, she covers her five pillars of passion. The first one she talks about is great to incorporate in all relationships and actually she even demonstrates this one on me. The other pillars are more for couples, but even if you’re solo right now, it’s great to listen to her tips to help open your mind and heart to what’s possible in loving and passionate relationships. So please enjoy this interview.

Dr. Cates: Susan, it’s so great to have you back on The Spa Dr. Podcast, welcome.

Susan: I missed you T. I’m so glad to be back and I’ve been watching you launching all your new products and just so pleased that you’ve extended your gorgeous, wonderful, clean skin care line. Thank you so much. We want everything and love it all. You just keep working your magic.

Dr. Cates: Okay, thank you. Thank you. I’m so excited to have you cause this is the time of year where romance is at it’s height, you know, but it’s really more of a Hallmark holiday, Valentine’s Day. But and we need, cause we need passion all the time, not just for Valentine’s Day, but it’s kind of relevant right now. And it’s always nice to have a little, you know, a little kickstart of what can we do to improve our passion and our romance, right?

Susan: Yes. Yeah. I’s interesting because, I’m going to make some generalizations. Remember that people are all across the the spectrum and there are people at the high end and the low end. So what I’m really talking about, whatever I say on our episode today as that kind of big lump in the middle, the mainstream, the most of us. And so I really encourage everyone to just use whatever I say in whatever way works for you because every relationship is like a snowflake, completely unique. But there are some general differences between the masculine and the feminine that really make this conversation an important one to have the polarity, the magnetism between the masculine and feminine is one of those things that’s really important. And the difference between men and women. It’s something that always comes up when you talk about romance because women generally require a steady state of romance, like a field on a drip system.

Susan: We need our little flowers watered every single day where for men they’re more focused on a lot of things and they love romance, but they like a flood type of irrigation, you know. So, one of the things that I did, this was probably back in 2016 I did for a year, I read every single day book, scoured the web, looked at data and research about romance. I read ancient tomes, I read the latest blogs and one of the ways that my mind works, you know, how we all have these little things that we’re like extra good at compared to other people. I wonder what yours are T what are your, what are your like couple of things you do really, really well. Better than almost everybody. You know,

Dr. Cates: I’m one of those connectors. I connect people. I bring like magic together and like I know how to like pull people together and not so much couples but, but groups in like masterminds and stuff like that that that’s just something that I just found out about myself recently that it’s just easy and fun. I like it.

Susan: Yeah. We all have those things that we’re good, we’re better at than most people. And one of the things that I’m really good at is taking a wide, a vast surface area of information. And netting it down to its essentials so that I can just make it really simple. And so I just absorbed everything about romance I possibly could. And I did it with the context of helping men rekindle the passion with their wife or girlfriend. Because what happens over time in a lot of relationships in the majority of relationships is that men, because they’re testosterone forward, they want love making everyday if they can get it right? They’re always on they’re light switch and women, we’re the fire. You know, you start with kindling and then you add a little fluff and tinder and then you put a couple of twigs and then you put a fin sticker too and you don’t throw the log on.

Susan: You can’t light a fire and where are the logs? And so I thought to myself, you know, women, the complaint that I would hear from women was he doesn’t romance me anymore. I don’t want to be close to him because all he ever wants, always just always trying to get me in bed. But he’s forgotten about the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. And guys said, I don’t know what’s going to make her happy. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. But I just, you know, I don’t know. And when he goes for a long time without the attention and intimacy that he’s looking for, he gets grumpy, cranky, and he starts to pull away emotionally because for him that intimacy is the love. And for her, she needs the love to get to the intimacy.

Susan: And so how can I help these people come back together? How can I help him not be cranky? How can I help her feel closer and want to pull him toward her? And so I started studying romance. And what I realized is that there are five types of romance. And so I call these the five pillars of passion. They really, almost anything that you can do romantically falls into one of these five categories and it might straddle a few or what have you. But I always think it’s really nice to kind of boil things down into a checklist. And then give partners a lot of examples because what happens when people’s intimacy strain through stress or the busy-ness of childhood and careers or whatever it is, we forget to keep the romance going. We want more romance in our lives and men love it just as much as women do.

Susan: So the five pillars of passion, and I have a little cheat sheet here because I want to make sure I give you some really good examples. The first one I call mindfulness, and I’m going to circle back and give you more of an in depth explanation and I’m going to give you specific ideas because that’s what people want. They’re like, okay, remind me of something I forgot that I used to do or tell me something I haven’t done before that sounds fun. So mindfulness is the first. The second is something that I call sensate connection. The third is playful adventure. The fourth is erotic communication. And the fifth, I call declarations. So I can start anywhere you want. We could dive into them one at a time or whatever you’d like to do. But those are the five pillars of passion.

Dr. Cates: Well, I’m want to start with mindfulness because I mean that’s definitely something I talk about even in my book. I the clean mind section is all about mindfulness. So let’s just put that into romance.

Susan: Okay, that sounds great. Yeah, so the first thing is just noticing each other. When we get busy, we stop paying attention. And I’ll give you a perfect example. One of the very first, one of the things that I’ve started doing and I’ve been going on 30 years, married to sir Tim, my husband, whom you know and love. And we started doing something that we say, you’re right. Just the idea that when someone’s doing something smart, we notice it. We don’t think it, we say it. And men particularly love to be right because one of the things that they want most is to be respected. And another thing that they want to do is they want to win. They’re conquest oriented because their testosterone forward. And so when you say, Oh honey, you were so right. Or, Oh, thank you babe, you were right.

Susan: And you really saved me from, you know, creating this problem or what have you. Everybody likes to hear that they were right. So the mindfulness can be noticing things like that. Another thing for women where men like respect and to win women like in equal measure to be adored and to be found sexually irresistible, if you are always just telling her how hot she looks, she’s like, well, what about my mind? Why are you always complimenting my butt? Right? But if you kind of toggle back and forth between adoration and desire, that really keeps your woman kind of fluffed up and excited and full of love for you. And so when you say to her, baby, if there’s anything I love more than that turkey meatloaf that you made last night for dinner, it’s how gorgeous that top looks long you, you look so beautiful in that color and so sexy, thank you for wearing it.

Susan: Boom. You just hit both sides of what she’s looking for and that feels so good to her. So just really noticing and appreciating what is going on between you in your relationship. Kind of that metal level of things. The second thing is something in the area of mindfulness is a process I call relationship magic. Understanding each other’s relationship values. I actually wrote a book on that. It’s a little, this is a little workbook. I’ve sold over 25,000 copies of this book. It’s a little PDF download. You can get it on Amazon in hard copy. And what it does is it actually helps you understand how to live in a platinum relationship instead of a golden relationship. The golden rule says, I’m going to treat you the way I want to be treated. You know, do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.

Susan: But in a relationship you want to follow the platinum rule. You want to teach, treat your partner the way they want to be treated and they can treat you the way you want to be treated. And when you understand what those reasons are that your partners in a relationship with you and why you’re in the relationship with them. Like I want to be taken care of and how lot freedom. I need total honesty and I want something passionate and zesty and full of fun and adventure. My partner could care less about security. He’s confident. He’s the one that takes care, so he doesn’t need that. He’s, he wants passion, honesty, growth, fun and adventure. He wants recreational companionship from me. He wants a zesty, fun relationship. So well I get up every day and focus on that and he makes sure the bills are paid and we have healthcare and it meets my needs in that way.

Susan: Then we’re doing that platinum rule and that’s a very mindful way of approaching a relationship in almost a systematic way that makes each of you feel like you’re getting your perfect needs met. So that’s a beautiful example of mindfulness. Other simple things are like being her love slave. I’ll give you two hours and I want to just do it anything you want done, just tell me what you need and vice versa. You know, that kind of a thing is really putting your attention on your partner. There’s another little game that I love to play and this is in the category of mindfulness and it’s very much in that appreciation thing and it’s called tell me three things you love about me. And this is especially important for women because we need a lot of encouragement and verbal appreciation. So we have, because we’re estrogen focused, you know, forward.

Susan: We’re ruled by our estrogen, not our testosterone. Estrogen is kind of a worrywart molecule. It makes us have our eye on a million things where testosterone is very singularly focused, full speed ahead. And so we need to hear that things are okay, that everything is good, that we’re doing great, we need acknowledgement and encouragement. And so it’s really nice anytime you’re feeling a little insecure to be able to say to your partner, can you tell me three things you love about me? And I’ve been playing this game with Tim for going on 30 years and our goal is to never repeat one thing, to always be looking for something we appreciate about each other. And often I’m the instigator of the game because for some reason he’s just more confident than I am and I’m super confident. So he’s like crazy, crazy confident.

Susan: But I have my moments where I’m like, baby tell me three things you love about me. And I especially like to do it before we’re making love. It helps me feel really loved to hear how much he loves certain things about me and it helps me get more intimately connected to him. So tell me three things you love about me could be something like Trevor, one of the things that I love about you is that I’ve never seen you cranky or in a bad mood. You just, you have a lovely, beautiful lightness about you. You’re so incredibly approachable that I feel like I can just drop into your world at a moment’s notice. And you’re always like, Hey, what’s going on? How are you? I love your warmth and easygoing nature. It just makes me feel so, I don’t know. I really feel cared for by you.

Susan: And another thing that I love about you is what a good business mind you have. You are beauty and brains personified. And I just, I respect you and I’m filled with joy by knowing you because of how amazing you show up in the world and create opportunity for people. So that’s just an example of three things I love about you right there. You know, it’s super easy because all I have to do is think about Ms. Trevor Holly Cate’s and all of a sudden boom, things I could literally sit here and do this for you for a couple hour straight. It would be easy for me to do that. And so practice with practice, it gets easier and easier, which is why kind of challenging yourself to really come up with new things every time hones your skill of appreciation and assurance. So I love that game. Three things you love about me.

Dr. Cates: I love that too. You know, it does take a certain amount of creativity that might take some work for people, not everybody’s super creative like that. You know, but giving ideas and examples is a, is a great thing. And so you might have to kinda, I think for some people they might have to ask for some help on that or you know, look for some examples, different places. But, but yeah, I mean, and then eventually it’s like anything, if you practice it, I’m sure it becomes much easier to do. And you’ve been doing it for 30 years, so you’re just, you know. I’m good at it. Yeah, you’re good at it.

Susan: And remember, I’m very articulate and quick with my, with my language, but especially men, you know that phrase, I’m a man of few words. That’s tru generally for men, women are much more articulate, so it’s going to be harder for him than it is for you if you’re the feminine asking him. So an example could be, yesterday my husband said, wow, that that thing you wrote, was amazing. You just did an incredible job with that and I labored over this thing I wrote and I said, really? What did you like about it? And I asked him for specifics and then he thought about it. And one of the things about my husband is, and this is typical, it takes them a long time to think and get the words to come out. And so a lot of times I’ll ask him a question and when we were first married, he wouldn’t answer me.

Susan: And I’m like, did you hear what I did? Do you hear me? And he’s like, yeah, I heard you like, well, can you answer me? And he said, well, I’m thinking. And I thought, Oh his mind, the connection from his thoughts to his words is way longer than mine, which is typical. That’s that big bell curve. And so he learned to just say thinking. So he acknowledged that he heard me and then I just gave him as much time as he needed to answer me. And so there are these little coping mechanisms that you can come up with. So practice or asking for specific feedback is nice. When you want to hear something, baby, tell me what, tell, how do I look? Okay, well what do you like about it? Well, I really like how your boobs look in that top. Thank you sweetheart. You know, whatever. Yeah. So like anything, these are things you can do or not do, but trying and learning how to do them get you better. Remember I’m the intimacy wellness expert and I know how to do all these things. That’s why I am this thing. Because I know all about creating great intimacy. So of course I’m going to be the best at it. I should hope so.

Dr. Cates: What you’re talking about, it’s good for relationships overall. It’s great to be able to, you know, compliment friends and people in business and things like that too. To be able to give that feedback. I mean I know that there’s a thing there’s Galentine’s day now, so there, which is the thing. So I mean this is something you do with your girlfriends too, right? Like you did with me. I mean that made me feel so special.

Susan: Oh you are so amazing and perfect, gorgeous. And every year in everything, you’re a perfect 11 you really are. I mean I have never seen, I’ve never seen a flaw in you. You are really an outstanding woman. I’m honored to be in your world. I’m so happy we met. So let’s move on cause I could do 10 more of mindfulness, but then we’ll run out of time. So let’s talk about sensate connection. Um, sing together in the car to old tunes you used to sing to when you first got married. Make her a play list of the stuff from when you first were romancing. Play that and sing along.Get wet, get in the hot tub, get in a sauna. This is all about sensation, right? Move her body. Pick her up, hug her, hold her, stroke her hair, grab his package. He likes direct touch to that package.

Susan: Trust me. These are really important things. And the classics, so a lot of times people with regard to romance, you know, they want some, you know, Uber unique, special idea. When if you look at what the classics are, they are flowers that look beautiful and smell good. Candy that tastes yummy, perfume that smells good. Lingerie that looks and feels good. Isn’t it interesting that the four most common romantic gifts are sensate gifts? They are of the senses. And one of the interesting things about doing them is make sure that when you give a gift, you’re not like, here, I got you flowers, but maybe I bought these flowers and the reason they appealed to me was because of the color. Or I know you like this flower or can I feed you a piece of this chocolate or I bought this lingerie.

Susan: If you don’t like it, you can take it back. But I just thought it would look beautiful on you. You know, whatever it is you want to create some enchanting way of delivering it, not just throwing it down on the table or having the flowers delivered, bring flowers or have them delivered and give them to her. Another one is playful adventure. And I would say this is probably the biggest missing component in romance that of all of them, because we’re so darn busy that romance can become another thing to do. So a hot make-out in the back of your SUV when the kids are at dance class or soccer, a stroll in the garden, holding hands. Spoil her in bed with a back rub, satisfy her with some delicious morsels at dinner. Feeding her is like, just like the chocolate. It’s very sexy when you get fed.

Susan: There’s just something about that. Take her to look at something interesting. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, the, you know, whatever the old Jeep surf car show, whatever it is, get her moving. Get her out there. When you move up person’s emotions, the best way to do that is to move their body. It’s very interesting. If you’ve ever had any experience with horses, have you had experience with horses? I grew up with horses. Yeah. I thought you had. And I bet you look beautiful on a Palomino. Mmm. You know, when a horse isn’t paying attention to you, what do you do? You kick it out of him. Well, you move them around in a circle and you’re walking it. Yeah. You’re walking him around and you’re moving them to get them to pay attention to you. Movement it’s fun for us and very romantic.

Susan: So that’s why the rowboat on the lake, that nature hike, the picnic, the car ride, the ferris wheel, the merry go round. The little cars that zip around on the Malibu Gand Prix, whatever, get in your Maserati, put the top down and gun it, right. You know, whatever it is, that’s what you can really get your blood going, doing exciting adventure, playful adventure. That’s so much fun. Those are the best dates are playful adventure. And them of course erotic communication. Now, here’s another book I wrote. Dirty Talk. I called it Dirty Talk because that’s what people call it. But I don’t like the word because I don’t think it’s dirty because I think that erotic communication, worshiping your lover, expressing your desire, describing how beautiful they are. These are sensual erotic communication. And if it’s difficult and you are a person of few words, there are many people for whom writing is easier. So text them, send them sexy GIPHYs write them, love letters, write them poems, whatever your modality is that is your strong suit. Leverage that because we’re all different and it all counts.

Susan: Another thing that I really like for erotic communication is something called sharing favorite frames, like a picture frame, like a snapshot in time. The other night when we were in bed and we were, I was massaging your head and we were watching The Deuce. I just was flooded with love for you. Thinking about how we’ve spent so many years together and we’re not only best friends, we’re still incredible lovers together and how we touch each other every night and find ways to make each other feel great. And I just loved having you snuggling between my legs with my hand in your hair, massaging your head and you were just lying there going Oh and moaning and it was just such the fireplace was on. And you have those really cool lights in our room that are kind of the most beautiful color. And I just, in that moment I just really realized how lucky we are to have each other and how great our relationship is.

Susan: That’s a frame because I’ve described what I’ve seen, what I felt, what I heard, how it all, you know, feeling you between my legs, feeling your head in my hands, all of those things. That’s a frame and you can do that at any time with someone. And it’s especially good after making love. When you had that one little moment where, Oh babe, you remember that moment when I was just doing that? Let me just tell you what that was like for me. Cause you know all you did was hear that moan, but here’s what was going on from, and you describe it in as full detail as possible and they were like, Whoa, that was amazing baby. I had no idea how I could make you feel good. You know, those are very nice types of things. If you’ll notice everything that I’ve talked about costs nothing with the exception of maybe the flowers, the chocolate, the lingerie, and the perfume, which are the classics. But all of these things are just things that are within us now that are really practices. Should I go onto the final one? Yes. Okay. How are, how do you like him so far?

Dr. Cates: I love them. I’m like coming up with all kinds of ideas in my mind. I’m like, wow. And I, you know, you’re so good with this. You’re so articulate. Like the stuff that you come up with, Susan is amazing and I know you’ve been doing this a while, but you probably just always had this creative aspect to you and ability to communicate it so clearly or did it take some time to develop that?

Susan: Everything I’m telling you, I learned, I figured out. I’ve been taught a few of these things. I’ve been taught sharing frames. I got taught that by one of my mentors, Dr. Patty. But everything I just learned from reading and practicing and trying out because I’ve been these ideas to millions of people over the last 15 years and I get a lot of feedback. People, even, I already tried that thing and you know, it didn’t quite work. Okay, try this now. Oh yeah. That was what it was. You know, and so I get a lot, I do email with people, thousands and thousands of people every year. And so a lot of these things are culminations of perfected ideas. It’s a lot of work. I didn’t wake, I wasn’t born knowing these things. I figured it all out.

Dr. Cates: That’s awesome. You’re like the the dear Abby was a dear Abby, but like, you know, go a little bit further. Right. The way that people will pose a question to you. I would love to see those emails. You should like put some of those together.

Susan: Well, I do. Do what I do is on YouTube, I have the Susan Bratton Show and I answer emails, interesting emails or emails that are, you know, really crazy. Some of them are really cool. So I take the ones that are like, everybody always asked me this, I’m going to answer it because I get, I always get this question. And then I take the really super crazy ones, like the answer, one of the answers to one of them was get a parrot sitter and a burner phone. That was my advice. So my friends always want to hear what was the email of the day because I get so many crazy questions. So, yeah, I decided to collect them on the Susan Bratton Show. And that’s what I do. I get dressed up as the marriage magician and my magic hat and I answer a questions in specific categories like dating dilemmas or my lady parts hurt or, you know, whatever. Weird, how do I get my partner to do this weird thing?

Susan: It’s endlessly fascinating. So we’ll wrap it up with the last one, which is called declaration. So we’ve done mindfulness, sensate connection, playful adventure, and erotic communication. And by the way, if you want my Dirty Talk book, it’s at dirtytalkbook.com and it’s yours. You can just download it for free. Thank you. I’m sure I’ve got so many free things. I just forget to offer them. Declaration. So declarations of your love, you want to feel that you’re in a meaningful relationship. And there are certain things that really make meaning for us as human beings. And a lot of things in the romance area like playful adventure, sensate connection, they are surface level. They’re like the fun. They’re like the frosting on the cake declarations is that foundation. It’s the cake. And they are as important. They are important to everyone across the gender spectrum.

Susan: They make you feel solid in your relationship. So some examples of those are mementos. Saving a rock from your first date and putting a heart on it and your initials and keeping that, that’s a tangible expression of a moment in time that was important. It doesn’t cost a thing super easy and lovely. Framing your marriage certificate, not just throwing it in a drawer but putting a frame around it. If you’ve never framed your marriage certificate, you could haul that thing out, have it framed and give it to your partner for there for the your next anniversary or occasion. Cause it’s a really sweet moment. That moment that day you got married and you forget about that day, but it’s the day that you connected with each other. And so something like that is, that’s like an actual declaration. Declaring your undying love. When was the last time that you said to your partner, I’m so happy we’ve been married.

Susan: My love for you has grown. You’ve taught me how to love better, bigger, deeper, more wholly and more fully. I feel like you’ve grown my heart muscle, being in love with you. I didn’t even know how deep enrich the feeling of love could be until I allowed myself to love you. And every day that I get up, I try to love you even more and you make it so easy for me. Something like that, you know? So that’s a sweet thing to do. Bragging rights. One of the things people love is social proof. Brag to your girlfriend in front of your husband about how amazing he is. Brag to your brother and sister-in-law about your partner and how great she is about your wife and how great she is. Um, expressing how incredible. Tell your wife or husband’s parents how much you love being married to their child.

Susan: Tell your children how much you love being parents to them and being in love with their mom or dad. You know, taking the time to do that as that’s a declaration and it cements that familial bond. It makes you feel you’re in your tribe, your clan, you’re rooted to people who love you and care about you. Another thing is a photo memory sometimes things like a photo collage that you frame or taking pictures when you’ve given your, your wife that lingerie and you say, Oh, can I take some pictures of you? And she’s like, no, no, I look ugly, I look fat I know my hair’s not done. You’re like, baby, you look perfect to me and nobody’s going to see these. But us. Can I just take a couple of pictures so that you can see how beautiful to me you are.

Susan: Take those pictures, run them through the face tune app and smooth everything. Get her to hold herself in some. Show her, okay baby. Tilt your, tilt your hips back a little. Now. Lean forward a little. Now put your chin down. Now push your boobs out. Okay. Oh, that’s it. Now put that hand back just a little bit more. Oh, that’s perfect. Okay. Hold on, hold on. Give me a big smile. Come on. A bigger smile. You know how much I love you. That’s it, baby. Come on. I’m going to snap 10 and we’ll be just the best one and delete all the others. Come on, give me a little bell. Give me a little smile. Right. Encouraging her to do that and then taking that one. She loves the best and texting it to her a couple days later, like, I love that. It was so fun. You’re so gorgeous. Can I put this as the screensaver on my phone because you turn me on so much.

Susan: I loved you in that lingerie. Like just that kind of thing is so nice for women especially. We really love that. Also when you’re out on that playful adventure or that date night, maybe let’s snap a selfie. Come on and give me a smile. Click and then send it two or three days later. I love you so much. That was so much fun. You’re the woman of my dreams. Oh, that’s like easy peasy, too easy and she loves it. Those are some of the clean versions. I’ve got a really sexy one. If you’d like me to lay it on you here at the end of the show. Cause as you know, I’m specialist in intimacy.

Dr. Cates: Yes. Bring it on.

Susan: Good, good. You’re always game T. So my husband and I have been practicing something we call an expanded orgasm practice for over 15 years. I attribute, because we, we were 10 years married and we almost got divorced.

Susan: I mean literally my husband was packed up in his SUV driving down the driveway and my little girl Taylor, who was six at the time, she had her little blankie and the blankie was this little peach blanket with satin binding. And she used to take that satin binding and rub it on her lips when she was nervous. I could always tell. It was kind of one of her tells, you know, and she was rubbing that on her lips and she looked, looked at me and she looked at Tim and she said, daddy, are you still going to be my daddy? Oh. I was like, Oh, what am I doing here? I can’t let this happen. I am going to ruin this little girl’s family life. How can I fix this? How can I fix this with this guy? And I said, don’t go, come back.

Susan: Let’s work it out. And what had happened for us was that we’d stopped romancing each other and we had sex, but we didn’t know how to make love. And I struggled to achieve climax from intercourse and I thought it was me. And after 10 years of having sex with this guy and not having orgasms, I had pulled away and I didn’t know then that orgasm from love making. Is it a learned skill that every woman can do it. That it’s not that you’re broken or that your clitoris is too far from your vaginal opening or that not every woman, it’s literally, you just need to learn how, and nobody teaches it. But me, I teach it for free on my YouTube channel because it is so important. And I hear people talking about, well, you know, vaginal orgasms are the white male patriarchy. You know, that’s just men because they just want to have their way.

Susan: And that’s not how we women have orgasms. We, we need, we need, you know, clitoral stimulation. And they need to understand, well, you can have an orgasm without even touching your clitoris because your clitoris actually wraps entirely around your vagina. It’s got little legs, it’s got little arms, it’s got little shaft, it’s got a perineal sponge, it’s got a urethral sponge. We are made to have orgasms from intercourse. We are made to be together. And by the way, if you’re a same sex couple or a non-binary couple, it doesn’t matter. It’s all good. But what I’m talking about here is that big lump of people in the middle of the spectrum, which are heterosexual, monogamous people, where there are women who don’t want to have sex with their partner anymore because she’s not having fun. She feels like he’s having fun and she’s not, she’s being used, she’s not enjoying herself.

Susan: It breaks up more marriages than money. So when we thought, okay, we’re going to fix this problem, and we spent $30,000 going to everything, therapists and sex workshops on tantra workshops and personal growth, and we walked on fire with Tony Robbins and you know, we did everything. I used to run a company, I used to be the COO of a Tony Robbins company. So I was doing a ton of Tony Robins at the time and we figured out how to turn that back around. And one of the two things was understanding each other’s relationship values. So I got up every day and gave him what he needs and he got up every day and gave me what I need. But the other thing was this expanded orgasm practice and what an expanded orgasm practices. It has many names. It’s a manual technique for genital stimulation that allows you to receive as a woman to get into orgasmic state.

Susan: There’s no penetration. He is stroking your clitoris in a series of manual strokes. Very simple, easy to learn, get better with practice. A time when you two lie down together, he sits up, you lie down, and he puts all his attention on your pleasure. It helps you become orgasmic, become multi-orgasmic, and do what I call you’ve heard of the orgasm gap. The difference between how easy it is for men to orgasm from intercourse and how hard it is for women to orgasm from intercourse. Well, I call that bridging the gap or crossing the gazumped chasm, right? It’s finally getting enough stimulation, enough blood flow, enough touch so that you start to be able to have these incredible orgasms and then you are able to be to get into that state and then when you do make love, you begin to have orgasms and we’ve had this genital stroking practice, this expanded orgasm experience.

Susan: It’s been known as many different things. My flavor of it is expanded orgasm. You can find out more about exactly how it works at, expandherorgasmtonight.com. There’s free reports that explain it and there’s lots of videos on it, including a video with my husband explaining it. What it does is it, it gets, it turns sex from that quid pro quo. I’ll do you and then you will me it moves out that and says you can have pleasure whenever you want it. I will give you pleasure with no strings attached. And when a man, and I’m going to go again with just the heterosexual monogamous, this works for women equally. Yes, there was a male expanded orgasm, but we’re really talking about women’s pleasure here.

Susan: When you go from all right, I have to have intercourse with them, but it’s not going to get me where I need to go to I am so filled up with orgasms. I’m overflowing with orgasms. I’m a multi-orgasmic woman. I’m turned on, I’m aroused, I’m intimately connected. We can really get into a zone together. He’s given me, he’s filled me up. It flips that switch into making it very easy for you to become orgasmic from intercourse. And then that takes your love making to higher states of ecstasy. And it just does something where you have this intimate time where there’s no pressure on you to perform, where you don’t move. You don’t moan, you don’t do anything until your body does it. And you allow yourself to respond in your true way. There’s no acting, there’s no need to do anything. You’re finding your way together. You’re getting into a conjoined trance state of pleasure, and he’s giving and you are fully receiving. For most women, it is the first time, that they’ve really experienced a man being willing to go all that way and give them all that sensation and pleasure and expect nothing.

Susan: And when he detaches himself from the need to get, and he learns how to be in the giving state and he learns the incredible feeling of accomplishment that comes from him giving her this indescribable pleasure, which is what men are driven to do. Most men will give up their pleasure to give her pleasure. They just don’t know what to do or have the tools to do it. It totally changes the dynamic in a relationship. And so that, that is a declaration of love that goes so deep into soothing and fixing the core wounds of our sexuality as women. That to me, it’s the greatest declaration of all that giving of love and ecstatic pleasure that actually turns right back around and give his him ecstatic pleasure that cements a level of intimacy in couples that is deeper than anything else I can see or find in the world. And so that’s the expanded orgasm experience that kind of, it takes romance into intimacy.

Dr. Cates: You know, Susan you explained that so well and people are so afraid to talk about these things and so I really appreciate you explaining it. So just like simply easily like this is no big deal. This is, this is natural. This is nothing we should be ashamed of. We shouldn’t be afraid to ask for this. And that is part of deepening a relationship. And, you know, with high divorce rates and people, you know, breaking up and struggles with relationships, uh, I think it’s really, it’s one of these missing pieces. And so thank you for all your work that you do and helping people understand this and, and educate them. And I know on your, on the podcast when you came before we, we talk more about this too. So if, if somebody is listening and wants to hear more of this, we do have another podcast episode you can listened to. But Susan the tell everybody where they can learn more about you.

Susan: Okay T. So first of all, you can follow me on Instagram. That’s more my personal, you know, kind of like just putting myself out there. And that’s @SusanBratton. S U S A N B R A T T O N. You can find me on YouTube. And by the way, our podcast episode on clitoral erections is on my YouTube channel. And that if you just go to betterlover.com, it takes you right to my channel. My website is personal life media and I have thousands of articles and a search box you could search on anything you think of and if it’s, if it has anything to do with sex, love and intimacy, you’ll find articles. I am a prolific producer, and I think those are really the three best. And then of course expandherorgasmtonight.com has three free pleasure reports. The what is expanded orgasm touching for rapture, which is a really incredible sensual touch technique that will ignite intimacy to a new level.

Susan: That alone is wonderful and the power of peaking, which is very interesting how our systems work to have, how to take us to a higher and higher level of more intensity of pleasure. And then finally, Dirty Talk book if you’d like to have those worshiping honorable ideas for the five ideas of pillow talk. That’s what I like or central talk that can really make the, our role art of love making come alive in your life.

Dr. Cates: Right. Awesome. Thank you Susan. And thanks again for coming on today. I really appreciate it.

Susan: Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dr. Cates: Yes, happy Valentine’s Day.

Dr. Cates: I hope you enjoyed this interview today with Susan Bratton and to learn more about her, you can go to thespadr.com, go to the podcast page with her interview and you’ll find the information about her there. And while you’re there I invite you to join The Spa Dr. community so you don’t miss any of our upcoming shows. And if you’ve liked this interview, head over to iTunes and leave a review. We always love to see your feedback and what you’d like to see more of on The Spa Dr. Podcast so it can head over there and leave a review. And I encourage you to go to theskinquiz.com and find out what skin type, what’s your skin personality type because it will give you great information of what’s behind your skin, what messages your skin is trying to tell you about your health and what you could do about it. Just go to the skin quiz.com and of course you can join, you could join us on social media, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest. Join the conversation and I’ll see you next time on The Spa Dr. Podcast.